Clark Kent Talks Like a Douche

Superman never made any money

Savin' the world from Solomon Grundy

And sometimes I despair

the world will never see

another man like him

—Crash Test Dummies

I would have done something

about it—but you didn’t

ask hard enough. I only

respond to faith.

Everything happens for

a purpose. Even the mother—crushed

by that rusty garbage truck at

dawn. She should have put it out

the night before. It’s called

free will for a reason.

Just don’t go asking Hulk 

to step on in—with his ridiculous

green skin. Do you know he

actually speaks in the

third person?  “Hulk smash!” Seriously?

And you think he’ll be the one to

answer your pleas? Bozo

needs his fingers

to count to 2.

Yes, I have digressed.

I stood and watched it happen.

But it’s a trial

for her whiny brood of four.

I need to test their mettle.

Thank the Lord  I don’t live in

Gaza. I’d never get a minute’s

peace.

If you don’t believe

me, I have a toasty spot on

Venus just for you. Of course I’m

everywhere. Ever-watching.

Ever-listening. Even in the loo.

I know that’s pretty

gross—believe me. Wait, I’ve

already implied you should. 

I know your every thought.

Yes, I sound like a creep.

No, I’m not gonna lose

that special power. Just like my X-ray

eyes. Which help me to see

if someone’s being tortured—

behind the

concrete blocks.

Cement’s got nothin’ on me.

But I can’t always get

involved. Kinda like that

Prime Directive—the one

you’ll hear about on

Star Trek.

I actually control it all

except the weather.

Oops—I forgot I got that too.

Say what? I should be spreading rain 

a little fairer?

Why do you think it’s

called a freaking drought?

A flood? And we’re back to those

tests again. Besides, they don’t

honour me in those places

and I am a jealous man.

Let their imaginary

idols do the job.

A lotus can only blossom

in the mud. I riffed that from

some peaceful Asian dude.

Sat on his ass all day

beneath a tree. At least I’m

being honest.

So here’s another god-

damn reason your request

has gone ignored—

I’ve been staying late at the

Daily Planet.

Jimmy Olsen’s slacking off.

Or maybe he’s whacking off.

Same difference. If you’ve seen

Lois Lane, you’ll know exactly

what I mean.

Metropolis is a mess.

They’re digging up the roads,

like in your own shitty city.

Yeah, I could have flown,

but I was decked in my

Dollarama glasses.

And my hair

was parted on the side, 

like a fucking imbecile.

There’s a time and place

for geek.

I know I could’ve swooped on

down, given that starving kid

a loaf of bread. A stick of

this ain’t butter.

But helping CK

catch the football

was a little more important.

I’ve got my priorities straight—

just like you.

Don’t you dare

make a poem out of

this. Folks will be offended.

They’re not nice

when they’re offended.

Especially when over-

flowing with my love. 

And I’d be pissed right off.

Electro stopped by today.

I’m learning to throw some

bolts. He’s been teaming up with

Thor. They don’t like Spiderman.

Too many wisecracks.

Irreverent, just like Dead-

pool. I AM

your only hero.

Brad Roberts

sang the song

a little deep. You call that worship?

Leonard Cohen was

Michael Jackson in compare.

Where’s George

Beverly Shea

when you need him most?

Toodles, I’ve got to go.

Blathered a bit too much.

Off to save the earth

in mysterious ways.

Andreas Gripp

September 25, 2025

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